Spencer Never Loved Her
by MuffinPuppiesUnite
Summary: Emily tries to regain Spencer's love and trust after deciding to move to London to take a job in Interpol in this one-shot. I do not own Criminal Minds.


Derek held his hand on Emily's shoulder for a while before he could even put the frame from her desk in the box. He whispered something in her ear with a slight frown.

"We'll all miss you, you know that?" He pushed her hair behind her ear and walked away with an uncertain emotion in his eyes. She felt that he may be disconsolate about it all, until remembering that he immediately volunteered to check on her about a week once she moved. Maybe things with Derek would be alright.

JJ tapped her shoulder from behind, smiling at Emily while Penelope nervously looked up, and then quickly left a package of nuts, flowers and a note on Emily's old desk. She kissed her departing friend briskly on the cheek, whispered words of appreciation, explaining how she couldn't wait to come with Derek to visit soon, and followed JJ out of the room. Emily put the package and the note in the box for later. She might need the kind words of a friend to strengthen her own faith in her decision.

_Everyone's said goodbye, then, _she thought. _Except Spencer. _He had been in the other room since they got back, closing the day off, after her final decision to leave to work for Interpol in London.

"Goodbye, Prentiss." Aaron's voice pulled her away from her distracted focus on Spencer. He had a warm smile, something Prentiss hadn't seen in a while, at least not on his face.

"G-goodbye...sir." Emily nodded at her unit chief. He picked up his suitcase and walked towards the glow pouring out of the brightly lit hallway through the door. Emily shifted things in her box.

"Oh and Prentiss," Aaron said over his shoulder. "Good luck."

"Thank you," She turned towards him. "Sir…" But he was already in the hall, his loud footsteps fading into a quiet tap. She stared at the door, feeling guilty but at the same time glad that she had accepted Clyde's offer. The silence seemed to last for decades as she imagined her life in London. This job, working for Interpol, was something she never could have imagined. Something she couldn't be doing if it weren't for the team.

"What are you smiling about?" Spencer's bitter, slurred voice startled her, and she turned to face him. He had his bag slung on his shoulder, and his paperwork in one hand, his hair, normal; everything was fine about him except the bottle of alcohol in his hands and the deadened look in his eyes.

"Reid, how long have you been standing there?" Emily straightened herself the way she would in front of someone of high respect, not her drunk friend. Except, he was more than a friend. Lately, he had been someone she could really trust. And he could rely on her. Or he was supposed to. She had his faith back after lying about her own brutal, bloody death. He had given her the trust she knew she didn't deserve. She hadn't regained it, though. Not really. The cold, cruel lie that she suspected would rip their connection in two had been swept under the rug by none other than Spencer.

"Hey, don't ask a question if you don't listen to the answer." Spencer snapped Emily back to reality. She couldn't tell if his eyes were red from tears, or from drink.

"So, what did you say? I was distracted. I'm sorry." Emily knew it was no excuse. He deserved ten times the respect she was giving him, but the smell of alcohol on his breath made it hard to give, especially since he was standing closer now.

"I said I've been standing here since Aaron walked away." Spencer took a long sip from the bottle, finishing it. This wasn't like him.

"Oh, sorry." Emily repeated.

"That's okay," His eyes were redder now, this time from the tears he struggled to keep back. "Because saying 'sorry' fixes everything."

"Spencer," Emily never finished her sentence, because right away Spencer walked away, spitting cruel looks as he passed Emily.

The car ride home was particularly difficult, thinking of how poor Spencer would get home drunk.

_Drunk. _ The word reminded Emily that it wasn't her fault he drank. She couldn't be distracted in London. It was too important a job to have her mind split by her outclassed relationship with Spencer.

But as she sat down in her apartment, she knew Spencer had every right to be upset, even furious. She hung her jacket up as the memory came to her when she knew she could be close to Spencer again, after the truth of her "death" had come out.

Rain was pouring outside, and a particularly short case, in which seventeen children were held hostage, eight killed, had been completed, two of three suspects captured, one killed. It was utterly overwhelming for Emily, for an odd reason. She was crying, the tears streaking her face red. Eventually, with the cell phone reception gone because of the storm, she started to drive to JJ's home, slamming on the brakes with her mind elsewhere. She was fifteen minutes away when she remembered that JJ and Penelope were out dancing with Derek and Aaron, a trip she had passed on. David was most likely home, but she couldn't go to him, not him. David was a highly respected member of the BAU. So she was left with one choice.

_I just hope he's forgiven me by now_. Emily parked in front of Spencer's apartment building, pausing to consider her options. But she needed someone, the warmth of anyone's home but her empty one, deciding it. She turned off the car engine, but didn't have the courage to go inside until the icy, wet air chilled the car frozen. She tightened her jacket and walked inside the building. She climbed the steps, approached his door and hesitantly knocked.

"Emily, what is it?" Spencer asked. Planning to just ask if he wanted to walk, Emily burst into tears. Spencer pulled her inside and sat her down.

"Are you all right?" Spencer asked, staring into Emily's eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Emily sniffled. But as the salty tears burned harder on the scrapes on her cheeks, Spencer wrapped a blanket around her shoulders.

"I made some tea. Here." Spencer awkwardly handed her the hot tea with a slight smile. And in that notion, Emily saw things as they were: Spencer was back to her. She poured out everything, crying harder and harder, as he walked her to the couch so he could hold her. Her eyes, heavy with fatigue, slid closed against her will.

The morning came quickly, as she remembered no dreams. She saw light streaking in the window, and Spencer was reading on another chair. Burnt eggs sat on the table.

"Was I here all night?" Emily asked, her face turning hot with embarrassment.

"Yeah," Spencer turned a page. "You passed out around twelve so I tucked you in and went to bed." He looked from the eggs to Emily. "Those are yours if you want. I didn't use the yolks, so…"

"No, I should be going." Emily was so thankful; she could not express it. "Thanks for…everything, Spencer."

"It's no problem."

Emily drove home that morning and collapsed on her own bed, Spencer awkwardly invading her dreams.

Now, with Emily leaving for London in two days, the trust was gone. She got ready for bed, and sat lying in bed for an hour.

_I'll never sleep. Not with Spencer drunk. _Emily sat up and stared at the wall. She fell into thoughts of what happened the following morning, before they all went into the briefing room.

JJ had walked up to Emily, with Spencer nearby, said that they were to meet in the briefing room.

"Actually, JJ," Spencer grabbed Emily's arm. "Prentiss and I will be there in a second."

"Okay…" JJ walked away. Emily had no idea what was going on.

"C'mon, let's hurry." Spencer led Emily into a nearly empty hall, a two minute walk from the briefing room. Yet everything was silent.

"Spencer," Emily thought he was upset.

"Shush," Spencer whispered. Then he kissed Emily full on the lips for what felt to Emily like an eternity. A silent eternity that just went on with his lips pressed, absolutely still, against hers. At last he pulled his lips away.

"Spencer, what was-?"

"Nothing." He cut her off, even though she wasn't entirely sure what words would have tumbled out of her mouth. Quieter, almost sheep-like, he started again; "Let's go to the briefing room."

Her cat's meow brought Emily back to reality, and she realized the tears pouring down her face with no restraint. She knew that accepting Clyde's offer was the right decision. It had to be. But she still couldn't help thinking of all those secret kisses Spencer pulled her into later. She had actually enjoyed his company. But he became more than that. They spent hours and hours just talking, reading together. But they never told their team, for worry of it affecting the way they work.

But now it had affected _them,_ for she knew it would be the focus of her mind while in London. And evidently it was going to affect Spencer in the morning.

_What am I going to do? _She thought, more tears coming down. She realized that this may be her last chance to see Spencer before his anger with her rips her out of her place in his heart. _I have to show Spencer the reliability he always showed me. _So at nine o'clock, she walked out to her car and drove.

"What do you want?" He spat it out right away. His hair was mussed, and two empty bottles of beer lay on the table.

_This is all my fault. _"I'm so, so, sorry I let you down." Emily put her hand on his shoulder, and instead of pushing it away, like she expected, he put his opposite hand on it and, for the first time in a long while, silent tears rolled down his cheeks. He put a hand on each of her shoulders and pulled her in close. Emily wrapped her arms around him and they stood there for five minutes before he spoke.

"Please don't leave me alone again." Spencer whispered into her ear with a voice as quiet as a mouse.

And the word that struck her the most wasn't _alone_. It was the fact that he said _again_. As if she had chosen to leave him behind. They had had nothing before then. _Nothing!_ The anger welling inside her from his words burst out unintentionally.

"Again? What like I chose to not tell you?" Emily knew she should stop, but didn't. The tears were filling her eyes as Spencer pulled away. "I couldn't tell you, Reid. You know I couldn't."

"It doesn't mean I didn't love you then, too." His entire body started to shake.

"You mean as a friend. Right?" Emily's heart beat with anxiety.

"What do you..." Spencer seemed to have trouble talking. "Th-think? I really l-loved-d-d you."

"Spencer, you have to-" Emily tried to speak.

"I know!" Spencer shouted at her. "I shouldn't have had the beer, or the alcohol. I'm sorry!"

"Spencer, stop shouting!" Emily caught his arm as he started to descend, and walked him inside. She sat him on the couch, planning to leave once he passed out, but her fatigue overwhelmed her and they fell asleep on opposite ends of the couch.

When she saw herself just a couch length away from a sleeping Spencer, she tried vainly to leave before he woke up. But the moment she stood up he gasped awake. She turned sheepishly towards him, saw his bloodshot eyes, and knew she never should have tried to leave before he woke up.

"You didn't want to say goodbye?" Spencer's voice was raspy and quiet. Emily stared at him, finding no words to express her blood guilt. "Alright Emily. Just go, then."

Emily just stood there looking at him as he cried. Her heart yearned to kiss him again, to let him know she loved him.

"Get out." He spit through angry tears.

"Spencer," Emily took a step towards him.

"Emily," Spencer sounded frustrated and hurt. "I thought you loved me. But I was so wrong."

"But I do-"

"Save it for the next heart you break, Emily." Spencer's words stabbed her in the heart, bleeding out her soul.

"Spencer, I do love you. Please, listen to me. I love you." Emily held back the tears, willing to be strong. "I can't live without you."

"And I can't live with another heartache." Spencer, for the first time that day, looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Spencer, I'm sorry." Emily's pleading did nothing.

"Don't ever talk to me again, Prentiss." Spencer stared at her until she left.

And Emily sat weeping in the hall, cursing, thinking of her love for Spencer, and his love for her. All the kisses, the conversations, all gone. She sat in the dead silent hall until she could convince herself of the lie that Spencer never really loved her.


End file.
